Nectar of the Gods Will Go Unreplenished

I generally like Costco but I occassionaly have my issues. I wrote off the fire lighter that broke in my hand the first time I used it. Most recently I've been vexed by their schizophrenic peanut butter offerings.

"Hey, we have the Jif you like! Now we have Skippy instead!! We switched back to Jif for a day when you just ran in to drop a prescription off and didn't want to stop to buy anything!! But we're back to Skippy now!!"

Now I hear that Costco is playing hardball with the Coca Cola Co., producers of the venerable elixir, Diet Coke.

Of course, I understand that these kinds of price negotiations are always going on but let me tell you something, Costco. If this argument over half a cent per pallet or whatever it is keeps me from getting a Diet Coke at the food court, I will officially lose it.

New Hire Wins Salesperson of the Year Award

(Chicago) - Jack Coleman, a recent addition to the Cramtech Software sales staff, was recently honored as the company's Salesperson of the Year. Coleman joins Cramtech from the Parts Department of Randall Kia in Sheboygan, WI where he was a parts runner.

Coleman was an unlikely candidate for the open sales position at Cramtech which specializes in software for dental office management. However, according to those at Cramtech who recommended Coleman, his charisma and presentation skills quickly won over any skeptics. As soon as he accepted the offer to work at Cramtech, word about Jack tore through HR like a rabies maddened raccoon. Tanya Offerman interviewed Mr. Coleman and could barely contain her enthusiasm. "As soon as he came in for that initial interview, I could feel that he wanted to help all of us be better", Offerman gushed. "He has absolutely raised the bar here".

The infection quickly spread and soon the entire sales floor and support staff were lockjawed and foaming at the mouth. "The economy has hit us just like many companies," said Art Findlay, VP of Sales. "But when we heard Jack had signed his offer we were absolutely giddy with excitement. When he finally got here on his first day and I brought him in, everyone on the floor gave him a spontaneous standing ovation. Leading him to his desk through the cheers and applause was my proudest professional moment".

Members of Mr. Coleman's New Employee Orientation Class were emphatic about their colleague's selection. "We know how tough it's going to be out there in a sales environment," said Gloria Feinbaum, also a new member of the sales force. She dabs at her eyes as she tries to compose herself. "But when he speaks to us, all of us just think, 'Yes we can!'".

The award was announced on the final day of Mr. Coleman's two-week Orientation Class. "I am both surprised and deeply humbled. To be honest, I don't feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize. I just can't wait to close that first sale."

Just Like Mom Used to Contaminate....

Nestle USA is voluntarily recalling some of it's Toll House refrigerated cookie dough due to possible E. coli contamination.

To be brutally honest, this stuff should be voluntarily recalled because it's garbage.

I tried some of it once and I wondered how a company had been able to turn petroleum byproducts into baked goods. It tasted like I imagined a spoonful of Vaseline would taste.¹

Either way, buyer beware......


1. Dear Nestle USA legal representatives: The notated comment above is satirical in nature and not meant to suggest that any Nestle food-like products ACTUALLY contain petroleum or similar carbon-based ingredients.

Get Rich Quick Schemes in Utah County?!?! Inconceivable!!! (Now With Audience Participation!)

A year or two ago, I started noticing these billboards around Salt Lake City proclaiming, "We earned [ridiculously large and also suspiciously accurate (to the cent) sum of cash] with our [high number] credit score" and something about the "Free Capitalist". I doubt I was the only one who suspected some Utah County-based MLM or real estate swindle.

And 'swindle' is a pretty harsh word for most of these outfits. After living in Utah for awhile, you'll see that there's an ebb and flow to the 'next big thing' money making enterprises (with many seeming to originate in Utah County and involving some kind of exotic juice elixir). Most just disappear or their ads become part of the visual white noise of other advertising.

But with the Free Capitalist stuff, lo and behold, the U.S. Attorney for Utah announced that the brainchild behind the company advertised on the billboards has been indicted for mail fraud, wire fraud and tax evasion. How did this financial whiz earn his millions? By (allegedly) running a Ponzi scheme, of course!

For me, I find certain aspects of the case bothersome beyond just the (alleged) stealing money part. For one, in their typical, "Hey, you're at least a superficially successful LDS businessperson. Let us help you out" fashion, it looks like at least one Utah legislator and the Utah Attorney General (allegedly) started running interference for this guy when he went crying to them about being investigated by the state. Who says a defacto single party legislature could be a problem (roll of the eyes here)?

Second, there is a certain subset of Mormon culture (and watch out, here comes the hyerbole) in which there is (allegedly) no higher achievement than making boatloads of cash, getting an offensively huge house in Alpine, UT, and filling said monstrosity with limited edition depictions of Jesus by LDS artists (so everyone knows for sure how devout you are). Take a look at the wall above the staircase at the 0:45 mark of the video. "How can I be guilty?!?! I have pictures of Jesus in my house!!!" As an LDS member, I find this penchant to be embarassingly cliche especially because it affects perceptions of Mormons as a whole.

Finally, in a year that's been full of LDS members (allegedly) ripping people off in similar schemes, I'd like to think that these stories will become fewer and farther between but I doubt they will. There will always be people who give too much trust to another just because they attend the same church.

Maybe this guy can use the 'Paxil Defense' to avoid prison.

Interactive Bonus: Enjoy a single serving of your favorite beverage or Little Debbie snack cake every time you read a version of the word 'alleged'!

Happy Memorial Day

Gene Jacobsen was a native Idahoan who overcame the Bataan Death March to fulfill many years of service in higher education. In a period of my life when I was starting a family, going to school and generally enjoying the comforts of 20th-21st Century American life, he spent those same years digging in Japanese coal mines, starving and enduring torture in various forms.

Before he passed away in 2007, Mr. Jacobson wrote a book on his experience titled "We Refused to Die". RadioWest rebroadcasted their interview with him today and it shouldn't be missed (the podcast should be available within 24 hours).

Hope you all had a memorable Memorial Day.

Proof Positive the NFL Hates the Denver Broncos

So, this season the NFL is recognizing the eight original American Football League teams with a series of 'Legacy Games' involving the current iterations of those teams. E ach of the teams will wear throwback uniforms from their first years in the AFL. The other teams uni's look pretty sweet, especially the Chargers

Now, these 'legacy' rememberances are nice but everyone knows that sports leagues and franchises set these things up as marketing gimmicks to sell merchandise. They know there is a significant contingent of fans that will cough up for these limited edition shirts, hats, jerseys, etc.

That being the case, there is only one conclusion to be made from the uniforms the Broncos will be wearing twice this upcoming season: Someone in the NFL offices is married to someone with the Denver Broncos organization and they're in the midst of horrendous divorce proceedings. Irrefutable evidence is presented below (please completely swallow any food or drink you may be finishing before allowing your eyes to proceed below this line):

Honestly, who is going to buy one of these jerseys or any other piece of apparell based on this color scheme? The correct answer is: Nobody.

They don't even generate the "They're So Ugly, They're Cool" vibe that some throwbacks benefit from.

Six months from now, when you see news video for a report from a Third World country, you'll be asking yourself, "Why is there an entire village of kids wearing mustard yellow shirts with the name 'Marshall' on the back?" Now you'll know why.

Are you telling me NOBODY with the Broncos requested they use the Orange Crush uniforms (which would've been so, so sweet)?!?! The Bills got to pick their uniforms from their 1965 season. And the socks!!! When the team changed from the vertical striped socks in the mid-60's, players and fans had sock bonfires to celebrate (for real!).

To make it even worse, how can I make fun of the Wyoming uni's when the come to play Utah this year???

These uni's were probably the last straw for Jay Cutler, too.

My 'The Office' Manifesto

This post contains a spoiler from the Season Finale of The Office towards the end. MB

I never thought I'd say this, but I don’t know that The Office can hold my interest much longer. I almost feel like Jim and Pam in this picture, sitting in one of Michael’s meetings. I’m just not into it anymore but I’m NOT going to shoulder all the blame!! Writers must be held accountable as well. I humbly submit the following evidence:

Exhibit 1: Continuity issues.

Exhibit 1A: According to tonight’s season finale, Pam is some kind of closeted volleyball monster. She explains how she played volleyball all through school and went to volleyball camps every summer.

This is supposed to be the same Pam Beesly that once admitted to faking menstrual symptoms to get out of P.E. as frequently as possible in high school. So, is she an athlete or the ‘artsy-fartsy’ girl with ‘the sweater and everything’, like Roy once described her? Of course, that's not to say you can't be an athlete AND prefer heavier knitted tops. It's just not how Pam's character has been portrayed up to this point.

Exhibit 1B: The whole thing with Jim’s position at work. When he came back to Scranton from Stamford, he was officially named Michael’s ‘Number Two’. It was an actual promotion and was a big deal. He even told Dwight in passing that it came with a pay increase. But to facilitate this season’s storyline with Charles, the position is now an imaginary one?

And these are just two examples off the top of my head. There are more from the past couple of seasons. I know it sounds like I’m some kind of Comic Book Guy The Office nerd, but I think it’s hurting the show to change the nature of the characters in order to force feed some of the plot devices they (the writers) have been coming up with.

Exhibit 2: The existence of Ryan. Ryan’s whole character arc this season reminds me of the scene in Soapdish where Robert Downey, Jr’s character, soap producer David Seaton Barnes, is arguing with Whoopi Goldberg (playing Rose Schwartz, one of the show’s writers). Barnes wants to bring back Kevin Kline’s character who was killed off in the show. He figures the writers can come up with some clever contrivance to make it work. “He was DECAPITATED!”, Rose exasperates, to which Barnes replies, matter-of-factly, “They froze the head.”

Ryan is the frozen head. He was arrested for defrauding his employer. There is no way in this (or any kind of alternate) reality, that Ryan could get hired back by that same employer, even as a temp. It is impossible. There is absolutely no way it could happen at a publicly traded company. You might as well make Ryan impervious to bullets and give him heat ray vision. Frankly, I’m kind of insulted that the writers expect their viewers to believe it. And, after all, The Office is supposed to be a documentary. Sure, wackiness can ensue but it should at least MAKE SENSE!! It feels like B.J. Novak has some kind of contractual requirement for ‘X’ amount of screentime so the writers are just putting Ryan in there.

Exhibit 3: I'm too tired to even get into Angela's relationship schizophrenia over the past couple seasons.

And, finally, Exhibit 4 and my biggest issue: Pam and Jim. There. I said it. The two of them as a couple just don’t do it for me. In fact, they're turning into one of those couples that you just want to punch in the face (if it were possible for a couple to have one face able to be punched). Perhaps if I was into bridal showers and saying “Cute!” all the time, then maybe I could get into it but the longer it goes on, the closer I feel we’re getting to The Office turning into Full House. Jim can be Uncle Jesse, Pam can be Lori Laughlin. Michael will fill in as Uncle Joey and Dwight can be a kind of deranged, fascist Bob Saget. At the end of the show there will be hugs all around and lessons learned for everybody.

OK, that may be extreme (and possibly not a good example because I don't know who could be the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron or the other girl. Kelly could be that troublemaking ditz, Kimmy), but it seems not too far outside the realm of possibilty lately.

Pam and Jim find out that they’re (SPOILER ALERT!!!!)


having a baby, and I just don’t really care.

Well, we’ll always have Season 2 on DVD……

Please feel free to convince me that I'm wrong on this.