Carlos Boozer Wants More Than Anything to Remain with the Utah Jazz

SALT LAKE CITY - According to his most recent interviews, Carlos Boozer has expressed his desire to remain a player with the Utah Jazz. For real. No, seriously.

His comments were made during the Jazz end-of-season locker clean out session. Reporters almost missed the opportunity to speak to the veteran forward as Boozer was halfway into a luxury SUV on its way to the airport when the press arrived for the event. It was later learned that Boozer’s exit had been hastened due to the fact that he had cleaned out his locker sometime after Game 2 of Utah’s playoff series with the Los Angeles Lakers.


Boozer was incredulous when asked if he was looking to move to another team. “Of course I want to stay with the Jazz. Where else am I going to be able to spend half of the season off in Miami?”


While Boozer says he looks forward to continued time with the Jazz, he regrets that some things have changed. “On payday, I used to take this mask and toy gun and go up to [recently deceased Jazz owner] Larry [Miller]’s office and be all like, ‘Put the money in the bag, [expletive]!!’ and we’d all have a good laugh about that. Those days are gone, though.”


Audio analysis of Boozer’s stated desire to remain with the Jazz yielded interesting results. Experts at the International Center for Audio and Linguistic Learning and Brogue Studies (ICALLBS), placed Boozers comments at 32.34 on the Burggenheimer Sincerity Scale. This is slightly more sincere than smiling when agreeing to go on a blind date with the desperate friend of a sibling (male or female), but just behind comments such as, “I think Dr. Phil has some great insights into human behavior”.


Boozer has until June 30 to decide if he wants to opt out of the final year of his contract with the Jazz.

Arlen Specter Comes Out of the (Political) Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Arlen Specter (R/D/R/D/R/D – PA) ended decades of hushed speculation Tuesday by announcing to the world that he is, in fact, a Democrat. He confirmed that he will run for reelection in 2010 as a member of the Democratic Party.

Commenting on Specter's decision, Senator Evan Bayh (D, as far as we know - IN) responded, “Of course Specter’s a Demo. That’s gotta be the worst kept secret in Washington, next to the name of that escort place the New Jersey delegation uses.”

Specter was reflective about his time in office, pretending to be a Republican but knowing in his heart what he really was. “Look. I switched to the GOP in the Sixties because it was the politically expedient thing to do. Now I feel it’s time to let the world know who the REAL Arlen Specter is.”

When questioned about how a likely loss in the next GOP primary affected this latest official ideological realignment, Specter responded with a rambling narrative of a golf game he recently played with Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D, solidly).

The press conference abruptly ended when a reporter asked why Specter changed his mind since as recently as March 17th, Specter had vowed to not switch parties .

Specter leaves behind Senator Olympia Snowe (R, kind of - ME) as the primary closeted Democrat in the U.S. Senate.

To Whom it May Concern

The following behaviors / items must be eradicated:


Leaving shopping carts in the parking lot - Proof positive that we are the laziest people in the world. Seriously. Can you not walk 20 feet? Today's free tip: If it's that hard for you, then ALWAYS park next to a cart return!




Packing peanuts - Working on a short story, spending time with my kids, cleaning my garage. What do these seemingly disparate activities have in common? They're all things I'd rather do than spend an hour picking individual packing peanuts out of my lawn. Please, folks. You can't just dump a box full of loose foam chunks into your garbage dumpster.

• Poorly performing lanscaping companies - Before you give a job to the lowest bidder, remember that there's a reason they're the lowest bidder.

• Whole iceberg lettuce on hambugers - This insanity must stop. Nothing ruins a good burger faster than biting into tasteless, watery chunks of white iceberg lettuce. Plus, the slabs require to you to open your mouth an extra 1-2" which isn't always physically possible. Please, burger proprietors, if you can't use shredded lettuce, provide an alternative like green leaf or even
  arugala .
  
  

The Pre-Summer Movie Season or The End of Civilization

I must admit that I was worried. A couple of weeks ago, when I heard that Fast and Furious (the working titles, Vin Diesel Has a Balloon Mortgage Payment Due in May and Paul Walker Can’t Seem to Get a Different Gig didn’t test well at pre-screens) made over $70 Millllllllllllllllllllion on it’s opening weekend, I thought that this was it.

I figured, “OK. Western civilization had it’s shot. The terrorists have won. Now we’ll start the descent into post-apocalyptic anarchy until life turns into The Road ”. At best, I assumed that F&F was part of the plot of those Hulu aliens to take over the world (the effect of ‘splosions and Vin Diesel dialogue for 90 minutes has GOT to be the equivalent of a lobotomy).

But I soon realized there might be some hope. Please don’t ask me to explain how because I have no idea, but I was aware that Crank: High Voltage was on it’s way. I knew if C:HV approached anywhere near what F&F did, THAT would be the penultimate sign of impending apocalypse.

The premise of the ‘film’ (a hitman needs regular zaps of electricity to keep his artificial heart pumping while he seeks sweet, sweet vengeance), is so inane that I almost slipped into a coma while typing it. Apparently, the studio didn’t prescreen it for film critics, either (always a bad sign).

I’m happy to report that C:HV ‘only’ made $6,963,565 it’s opening weekend. While this is approximately $6,963,564 too much, it does give some credence to the idea that people won’t pay money to see absolutely ANYTHING. You can now rest easy knowing that the end isn't here just yet (but I'm sure there's some idiotic Michael Bay movie coming this summer).

Quote... of... the... Week.

It comes to you from Leslie Knope of the Pawnee, IN Parks and Recreation Department:

"Filibuster! BOOM!!"

I thought this week's Parks and Recreation built on last week's, so that's a good sign. They've already had some 'talking-head' clips that rival The Office and I thought this episode gave more momentum to the story.

I hope they bring in someone to not exactly match, but compliment Leslie's enthusiasm. Like on The Office where Michael is insane, but Dwight is there and his weirdness keeps things in balance. It almost feels like Leslie's going to go supernova if she can't crank it down a notch. I'm interested to see if there's more about her relationship with her mom because she did't seem very supportive until just at the end and even then it was really subtle.

Anyway, if you didn't watch last night and you want to see someone totally OWN Robert's Rules of Order, check it out .

Possibly My Only Post Ever About NBA Basketball

I don’t really follow the NBA anymore. To keep it short, it’s become a horrible product but I still have some affinity for the Utah Jazz. With the Jazz on a downward spiral into the playoffs, I started drawing parallels to other collapses I’ve witnessed.

Whenever I see or hear about Carlos Boozer lately, I have flashbacks of this guy I knew in high school. I say ‘knew’ in the sense that I was aware who the guy was, but I don’t think I ever had a conversation with him.

His name was Brent, I think. Brent H-something? We’ll just go with Brent to avoid any possible ‘legal entanglements’. Anyway, I first began to hear about him in ninth grade. I had finally made the junior high basketball team and he was a player at one of the other four junior highs in town, our main rival, and he was a force to be reckoned with.

He was a freak (in the complimentary, athletically-gifted sense). About 6’ 2-3”, long arms and just built to be an athlete. He was a multi-sport star and the high school coaches couldn’t wait to get their hands on him. For the couple series I had to guard him during that first 9th Grade basketball game against his team, he absolutely destroyed me.

We ended up going to the same high school and the buzz among the high school athletics groupies and parents around town was about what Brent was going to do. See, he already had a reputation as someone who didn’t want to work hard. He was barely getting by in school and was starting to focus more on weed than anything else. Brent didn’t go out for the sophomore basketball team and he either didn’t join or ended up quitting the JV football team.

By the time Brent flamed out, I had been quietly plugging away at basketball for years. I logged endless hours in the gym trying to make the basketball team. I had gone from not being able to make a layup during 7th Grade tryouts (true story!) to making the 9th Grade and sophomore teams and a spot on the varsity team was assured going into my junior year. Opposing teams certainly weren’t game-planning for me, but I had worked my way into a position as a solid contributor.

Despite my modest accomplishments (which I was happy about), the ‘Brent H-something Story’ drove me nuts. I was squeezing every drop of ability out of my body, like so much cola from a ShamWow, for a chance to come off the bench. Brent was (possibly) throwing away college scholarships so he could smoke pot, blow off school and play a gang-banging poseur.

And now we arrive at Carlos Boozer, the cautionary tale. This guy could be great. He could find himself in the discussion of the greatest NBA forwards. On a team with one of, if not the best point guards in the league and a solid supporting cast, he could lead his team to championship glory.

Instead, he’ll probably lead his team to a lightning-fast, first-round playoff exit. He rehabs ‘injuries’ with all the enthusiasm of my kids eating a bowl of raw broccoli. He spends as little time with the team as possible (drop in a tired, played quip about Salt Lake City’s nightlife here). He is The Grand Matador of defense. There must be an invisible force field keeping him out of the key when it’s time to get a rebound. He’s already let everyone know that he’s opting out of the final year of his Jazz contract so he can make more $$$ somewhere else. Doesn’t matter where, as long as the money is green. So much potential untapped because he wants to put forth the absolute minimum amount of effort needed to pick up his check.

I guess Boozer isn’t much different from a lot of people in his approach to his job. He just has a higher-profile career. He’s the ‘Brent H-something Story’ on the grandest scale. It’s a drama we’ve all seen play out (sometimes first hand) in a variety of settings. Even so, after 15+ years, some things still don’t make sense.

The Tao of Top Gun or Making Peace with Second Place

Top Gun taught me many things: Sniffing a lot can ease the tension during an awkward apology. Don’t write checks your body can’t cash. Shots fired below the hard deck will get you in loads of trouble. Penny Benjamin was a woman of loose morals.

But the most important lesson was, “There are no points for second place”, an axiom made familiar to me yet again.

Several weeks ago, I entered a piece into a writing competition for the South Davis Chapter of the League of Utah Writers. The ‘Anecdote’ category seemed like one I could crank something out for before the deadline (the day after I learned of the competition). Trying to squeeze a story into 150 words seemed like a fun challenge so I gave it a shot.

Yesterday, I was informed that my entry came in second place. Even though many refer to second place as “The #1 Loser”, I’m excited about it as this was the first time I've entered a writing contest since elementary school.

I’ve posted my contest entry below for your review and enjoyment:

Jackpot

Flashing, ringing slot machines promise a teenager the greatest protection from discovery on a casino floor. Sneaking a coin cup for my change, I slink
into an aisle between glittering boxes.

I feed some coins to a machine. They clink as it swallows them, jingling down its gullet. Tapping the flashing red button, I am now a gambler.

Wheels spin, their blurred hieroglyphs becoming sharper until they stop in turn.
I’m now ‘in the hole’ like so many desperate drunks and determined old ladies
before me.

I rap the button again. Images whiz by and their final order forces the machine to regurgitate a few of my previous offerings.

The tapping and spinning repeat until my cup is empty but my squat, chrome partner is still hungry.

I walk to the change machine, offering my last dollar. Coins rattle in exchange and five quarters rest in the tray below. Jackpot!

"Indianapolis is for swordspeople"

Despite the majority of us living in the 21st century, not only do we have pirates terrorizing the high seas , but people are swordfighting TO THE DEATH on the streets of Indianapolis, IN.

No word on whether any of the participants have/had six fingers on their right hand or if any involved were Guilderian operatives. The presence of the Dread Pirate Roberts is still unconfirmed.

I think this would make a great tourism campaign:


"The Indianapolis Convention & Visitors Association Welcomes You."

'Parks and Recreation' - Open For Public Comment

So, as I posted on my Facebook , I liked but didn't love Parks and Recreation .

In the interest of full and brutal honesty with you, dear reader, I have to admit that I wasn't really sold on the U.S. The Office after their pilot, either (yes, this shames me now). Fortunately, I watched the pilot and the second episode back to back when they reran them on CNBC. After the 'Diversity Day' experience, I was a believer.

I'm thinking I'm going to need probably some more time with P&R, as well. More than I gave The Office, though because it'll probably need more time to (hopefully) differentiate itself because The Office was so drastically different from anything running on broadcast TV. Leslie Knope seemed a little too much like a female Michael Scott with her boundless optimism but it was funny. Aziz Ansari was hilarious and I'm not sure what to make of Rashida Jones' character.

My favorite line came from Nick Offerman as Leslie's boss, Ron Swanson: "I would much rather be working at Chuck E. Cheese." Who wouldn't?!?!

So, I give Parks and Recreation my full endorsement (until I change my mind).

May the Easter Bunny Not Find You

Hilarious but PG-13'ish.

Late-Breaking, Real News

Last week and out of nowhere, Levi Johnston and his family show up on The Tyra Banks Show to 'set the record straight', as it were, about what's been going on up in Alaska. You remember Levi Johnston, right? The impregnator of Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol?

Levi decided to sit down with the Peabody and Pulitzer award-winning journalist (Oh, whoops, she's really just an underwear model), Tyra Banks for a hard-hitting, no-holds-barred interview where his blistering intellect and media savvy finally had a forum:



Not to be outdone, an actual news organization (I think), CBS News, jumped on this new development and interviewed Levi for The Early Show. Levi bravely told the Early Show audience (estimated at approx. 20 viewers) that, "We're not cashing in on their name, you know. I'm just trying to get my side of the story out there and letting people know who I am."

I couldn't have been happier as I, as well as all of you I'm sure, have been DYING to know about the REAL Levi Johnston. Of course, he's not trying to 'cash in' even though, according to the CBS News article, "perhaps all the publicity he's been getting will lead to a modeling or acting gig, which he'd be open to". Sure would beat working at an oil field !

The most hilarious part of the CBS interview is where he identifies the most common misconception about he and his family. Apparently, the country is ablaze with constant discussion about how the Johnston's are "white trash".

So, the teenaged, unmarried father who also happens to be a high school dropout went on daytime TV to tell everyone “You don’t know me!” Oh, and he was with his mom who's currently dealing with a recent Oxycontin arrest. Yeah, what’s “white trash” about all that?

(The burning smell coming from your computer is your sarcasm card that just melted.)