Nectar of the Gods Will Go Unreplenished

I generally like Costco but I occassionaly have my issues. I wrote off the fire lighter that broke in my hand the first time I used it. Most recently I've been vexed by their schizophrenic peanut butter offerings.

"Hey, we have the Jif you like! Now we have Skippy instead!! We switched back to Jif for a day when you just ran in to drop a prescription off and didn't want to stop to buy anything!! But we're back to Skippy now!!"

Now I hear that Costco is playing hardball with the Coca Cola Co., producers of the venerable elixir, Diet Coke.

Of course, I understand that these kinds of price negotiations are always going on but let me tell you something, Costco. If this argument over half a cent per pallet or whatever it is keeps me from getting a Diet Coke at the food court, I will officially lose it.

New Hire Wins Salesperson of the Year Award

(Chicago) - Jack Coleman, a recent addition to the Cramtech Software sales staff, was recently honored as the company's Salesperson of the Year. Coleman joins Cramtech from the Parts Department of Randall Kia in Sheboygan, WI where he was a parts runner.

Coleman was an unlikely candidate for the open sales position at Cramtech which specializes in software for dental office management. However, according to those at Cramtech who recommended Coleman, his charisma and presentation skills quickly won over any skeptics. As soon as he accepted the offer to work at Cramtech, word about Jack tore through HR like a rabies maddened raccoon. Tanya Offerman interviewed Mr. Coleman and could barely contain her enthusiasm. "As soon as he came in for that initial interview, I could feel that he wanted to help all of us be better", Offerman gushed. "He has absolutely raised the bar here".

The infection quickly spread and soon the entire sales floor and support staff were lockjawed and foaming at the mouth. "The economy has hit us just like many companies," said Art Findlay, VP of Sales. "But when we heard Jack had signed his offer we were absolutely giddy with excitement. When he finally got here on his first day and I brought him in, everyone on the floor gave him a spontaneous standing ovation. Leading him to his desk through the cheers and applause was my proudest professional moment".

Members of Mr. Coleman's New Employee Orientation Class were emphatic about their colleague's selection. "We know how tough it's going to be out there in a sales environment," said Gloria Feinbaum, also a new member of the sales force. She dabs at her eyes as she tries to compose herself. "But when he speaks to us, all of us just think, 'Yes we can!'".

The award was announced on the final day of Mr. Coleman's two-week Orientation Class. "I am both surprised and deeply humbled. To be honest, I don't feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize. I just can't wait to close that first sale."

Just Like Mom Used to Contaminate....

Nestle USA is voluntarily recalling some of it's Toll House refrigerated cookie dough due to possible E. coli contamination.

To be brutally honest, this stuff should be voluntarily recalled because it's garbage.

I tried some of it once and I wondered how a company had been able to turn petroleum byproducts into baked goods. It tasted like I imagined a spoonful of Vaseline would taste.¹

Either way, buyer beware......


1. Dear Nestle USA legal representatives: The notated comment above is satirical in nature and not meant to suggest that any Nestle food-like products ACTUALLY contain petroleum or similar carbon-based ingredients.

Get Rich Quick Schemes in Utah County?!?! Inconceivable!!! (Now With Audience Participation!)

A year or two ago, I started noticing these billboards around Salt Lake City proclaiming, "We earned [ridiculously large and also suspiciously accurate (to the cent) sum of cash] with our [high number] credit score" and something about the "Free Capitalist". I doubt I was the only one who suspected some Utah County-based MLM or real estate swindle.

And 'swindle' is a pretty harsh word for most of these outfits. After living in Utah for awhile, you'll see that there's an ebb and flow to the 'next big thing' money making enterprises (with many seeming to originate in Utah County and involving some kind of exotic juice elixir). Most just disappear or their ads become part of the visual white noise of other advertising.

But with the Free Capitalist stuff, lo and behold, the U.S. Attorney for Utah announced that the brainchild behind the company advertised on the billboards has been indicted for mail fraud, wire fraud and tax evasion. How did this financial whiz earn his millions? By (allegedly) running a Ponzi scheme, of course!

For me, I find certain aspects of the case bothersome beyond just the (alleged) stealing money part. For one, in their typical, "Hey, you're at least a superficially successful LDS businessperson. Let us help you out" fashion, it looks like at least one Utah legislator and the Utah Attorney General (allegedly) started running interference for this guy when he went crying to them about being investigated by the state. Who says a defacto single party legislature could be a problem (roll of the eyes here)?

Second, there is a certain subset of Mormon culture (and watch out, here comes the hyerbole) in which there is (allegedly) no higher achievement than making boatloads of cash, getting an offensively huge house in Alpine, UT, and filling said monstrosity with limited edition depictions of Jesus by LDS artists (so everyone knows for sure how devout you are). Take a look at the wall above the staircase at the 0:45 mark of the video. "How can I be guilty?!?! I have pictures of Jesus in my house!!!" As an LDS member, I find this penchant to be embarassingly cliche especially because it affects perceptions of Mormons as a whole.

Finally, in a year that's been full of LDS members (allegedly) ripping people off in similar schemes, I'd like to think that these stories will become fewer and farther between but I doubt they will. There will always be people who give too much trust to another just because they attend the same church.

Maybe this guy can use the 'Paxil Defense' to avoid prison.

Interactive Bonus: Enjoy a single serving of your favorite beverage or Little Debbie snack cake every time you read a version of the word 'alleged'!

Happy Memorial Day

Gene Jacobsen was a native Idahoan who overcame the Bataan Death March to fulfill many years of service in higher education. In a period of my life when I was starting a family, going to school and generally enjoying the comforts of 20th-21st Century American life, he spent those same years digging in Japanese coal mines, starving and enduring torture in various forms.

Before he passed away in 2007, Mr. Jacobson wrote a book on his experience titled "We Refused to Die". RadioWest rebroadcasted their interview with him today and it shouldn't be missed (the podcast should be available within 24 hours).

Hope you all had a memorable Memorial Day.

Proof Positive the NFL Hates the Denver Broncos

So, this season the NFL is recognizing the eight original American Football League teams with a series of 'Legacy Games' involving the current iterations of those teams. E ach of the teams will wear throwback uniforms from their first years in the AFL. The other teams uni's look pretty sweet, especially the Chargers

Now, these 'legacy' rememberances are nice but everyone knows that sports leagues and franchises set these things up as marketing gimmicks to sell merchandise. They know there is a significant contingent of fans that will cough up for these limited edition shirts, hats, jerseys, etc.

That being the case, there is only one conclusion to be made from the uniforms the Broncos will be wearing twice this upcoming season: Someone in the NFL offices is married to someone with the Denver Broncos organization and they're in the midst of horrendous divorce proceedings. Irrefutable evidence is presented below (please completely swallow any food or drink you may be finishing before allowing your eyes to proceed below this line):

Honestly, who is going to buy one of these jerseys or any other piece of apparell based on this color scheme? The correct answer is: Nobody.

They don't even generate the "They're So Ugly, They're Cool" vibe that some throwbacks benefit from.

Six months from now, when you see news video for a report from a Third World country, you'll be asking yourself, "Why is there an entire village of kids wearing mustard yellow shirts with the name 'Marshall' on the back?" Now you'll know why.

Are you telling me NOBODY with the Broncos requested they use the Orange Crush uniforms (which would've been so, so sweet)?!?! The Bills got to pick their uniforms from their 1965 season. And the socks!!! When the team changed from the vertical striped socks in the mid-60's, players and fans had sock bonfires to celebrate (for real!).

To make it even worse, how can I make fun of the Wyoming uni's when the come to play Utah this year???

These uni's were probably the last straw for Jay Cutler, too.

My 'The Office' Manifesto

This post contains a spoiler from the Season Finale of The Office towards the end. MB

I never thought I'd say this, but I don’t know that The Office can hold my interest much longer. I almost feel like Jim and Pam in this picture, sitting in one of Michael’s meetings. I’m just not into it anymore but I’m NOT going to shoulder all the blame!! Writers must be held accountable as well. I humbly submit the following evidence:

Exhibit 1: Continuity issues.

Exhibit 1A: According to tonight’s season finale, Pam is some kind of closeted volleyball monster. She explains how she played volleyball all through school and went to volleyball camps every summer.

This is supposed to be the same Pam Beesly that once admitted to faking menstrual symptoms to get out of P.E. as frequently as possible in high school. So, is she an athlete or the ‘artsy-fartsy’ girl with ‘the sweater and everything’, like Roy once described her? Of course, that's not to say you can't be an athlete AND prefer heavier knitted tops. It's just not how Pam's character has been portrayed up to this point.

Exhibit 1B: The whole thing with Jim’s position at work. When he came back to Scranton from Stamford, he was officially named Michael’s ‘Number Two’. It was an actual promotion and was a big deal. He even told Dwight in passing that it came with a pay increase. But to facilitate this season’s storyline with Charles, the position is now an imaginary one?

And these are just two examples off the top of my head. There are more from the past couple of seasons. I know it sounds like I’m some kind of Comic Book Guy The Office nerd, but I think it’s hurting the show to change the nature of the characters in order to force feed some of the plot devices they (the writers) have been coming up with.

Exhibit 2: The existence of Ryan. Ryan’s whole character arc this season reminds me of the scene in Soapdish where Robert Downey, Jr’s character, soap producer David Seaton Barnes, is arguing with Whoopi Goldberg (playing Rose Schwartz, one of the show’s writers). Barnes wants to bring back Kevin Kline’s character who was killed off in the show. He figures the writers can come up with some clever contrivance to make it work. “He was DECAPITATED!”, Rose exasperates, to which Barnes replies, matter-of-factly, “They froze the head.”

Ryan is the frozen head. He was arrested for defrauding his employer. There is no way in this (or any kind of alternate) reality, that Ryan could get hired back by that same employer, even as a temp. It is impossible. There is absolutely no way it could happen at a publicly traded company. You might as well make Ryan impervious to bullets and give him heat ray vision. Frankly, I’m kind of insulted that the writers expect their viewers to believe it. And, after all, The Office is supposed to be a documentary. Sure, wackiness can ensue but it should at least MAKE SENSE!! It feels like B.J. Novak has some kind of contractual requirement for ‘X’ amount of screentime so the writers are just putting Ryan in there.

Exhibit 3: I'm too tired to even get into Angela's relationship schizophrenia over the past couple seasons.

And, finally, Exhibit 4 and my biggest issue: Pam and Jim. There. I said it. The two of them as a couple just don’t do it for me. In fact, they're turning into one of those couples that you just want to punch in the face (if it were possible for a couple to have one face able to be punched). Perhaps if I was into bridal showers and saying “Cute!” all the time, then maybe I could get into it but the longer it goes on, the closer I feel we’re getting to The Office turning into Full House. Jim can be Uncle Jesse, Pam can be Lori Laughlin. Michael will fill in as Uncle Joey and Dwight can be a kind of deranged, fascist Bob Saget. At the end of the show there will be hugs all around and lessons learned for everybody.

OK, that may be extreme (and possibly not a good example because I don't know who could be the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron or the other girl. Kelly could be that troublemaking ditz, Kimmy), but it seems not too far outside the realm of possibilty lately.

Pam and Jim find out that they’re (SPOILER ALERT!!!!)


having a baby, and I just don’t really care.

Well, we’ll always have Season 2 on DVD……

Please feel free to convince me that I'm wrong on this.

NBA Team Seeks To Dominate in Team Apparel

CLEVELAND, OH - In an effort to keep the NBA Eastern Conference Playoffs somewhat relevant for a few additional news cycles, officials representing the NBA and the Cleveland Cavaliers announced that the team will use original, never-before-seen uniform designs for each of their playoff games during their arranged assumed run to the NBA Finals. The Chicago-based branding firm BRAINMelt has been retained to provide designs for the new uniforms.

Since drafting current league MVP LeBron James, the Cavs were believed to have acquired uniforms created of a disposable material as they have unveiled alternate jerseys at a relatively blistering pace for a professional sports team. However, team management bristles at the suggestion that the schizophrenic color modifications are a callous attempt to cash in on the popularity of their star player. In actuality, the frequent wardrobe changes have come under the guise of honoring the teams past and their fans.

Team Marketer Historian Dale McGreen explains, “As a team, we have a lot of history to look back on. With nearly 30 years of placing 4th, 5th or 6th in our division, there are a lot of opportunities to honor those teams through special uniforms worn by the players and related memorabilia sold to fans at the arena and local sports apparel outlets. What better way to remember all those Bill Fitch coached teams that either missed the playoffs or were bounced in the first round? We also try and make the fans a part of it. We created a uniform to commemorate a fan website and we’re really excited for our Coshocton County Tribute uniforms next season when the Raptors are in town.”

After sweeping the Atlanta Hawks, the Cavs will play the Boston Celtics await the winner of the Celtics – Magic series according to the NBA lead stage manager. When If the Lakers make it to the NBA Finals, the Cavs organization will could face an opponent not only on the court, but in the battle for fans pocketbooks.

As a result, sports marketing analyst Ray Worthenstein isn’t surprised by this new, extreme tack taken by the Cavs. “It’s really an exercise in customer acquisition of the elusive ‘bandwagon fan’: Primarily male, late teens through early 30’s, willing to drop cash they get from their aloof parents or naïve girlfriends on essentials such as baseball caps and other athletic apparel. The brighter ones believe the NBA came into existence sometime in the mid to late 90’s. ‘A’ through ‘D’ list celebrities make up a very visible contingent as well.”

“The Lakers and Cavs have been fighting over this demographic for the past few seasons as these fans have been looking for something to latch onto since Michael Jordan left the Bulls. The hope is that all the bandwagon Cavs fans will turn into long-term revenue streams once they see their closets filled with 20 different Cavs jerseys. Even for the less-than-brilliant drones, switching to another team just wouldn’t make fiscal sense at that point. It’s a brilliant strategy.”

A BRAINMelt staffer, speaking anonymously, confirmed that the required production schedules will test the talent and stamina of the creative professionals on hand, “Management brought in truckloads of Red Bull, a free Starbucks has been set up in one of the breakrooms and we’re adding a TON of freelancers”, he said. “We expect to be working around the clock to get the designs out to the suppliers. The NBA has been really good working with us and letting us know how many games the Cavs have left to play. It’s a maximum of 14 but our contacts in the league offices said we should shoot for 10 to 11 new designs. It will all depend on how the TV overnights look from game to game.”

Carlos Boozer Wants More Than Anything to Remain with the Utah Jazz

SALT LAKE CITY - According to his most recent interviews, Carlos Boozer has expressed his desire to remain a player with the Utah Jazz. For real. No, seriously.

His comments were made during the Jazz end-of-season locker clean out session. Reporters almost missed the opportunity to speak to the veteran forward as Boozer was halfway into a luxury SUV on its way to the airport when the press arrived for the event. It was later learned that Boozer’s exit had been hastened due to the fact that he had cleaned out his locker sometime after Game 2 of Utah’s playoff series with the Los Angeles Lakers.


Boozer was incredulous when asked if he was looking to move to another team. “Of course I want to stay with the Jazz. Where else am I going to be able to spend half of the season off in Miami?”


While Boozer says he looks forward to continued time with the Jazz, he regrets that some things have changed. “On payday, I used to take this mask and toy gun and go up to [recently deceased Jazz owner] Larry [Miller]’s office and be all like, ‘Put the money in the bag, [expletive]!!’ and we’d all have a good laugh about that. Those days are gone, though.”


Audio analysis of Boozer’s stated desire to remain with the Jazz yielded interesting results. Experts at the International Center for Audio and Linguistic Learning and Brogue Studies (ICALLBS), placed Boozers comments at 32.34 on the Burggenheimer Sincerity Scale. This is slightly more sincere than smiling when agreeing to go on a blind date with the desperate friend of a sibling (male or female), but just behind comments such as, “I think Dr. Phil has some great insights into human behavior”.


Boozer has until June 30 to decide if he wants to opt out of the final year of his contract with the Jazz.

Arlen Specter Comes Out of the (Political) Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Arlen Specter (R/D/R/D/R/D – PA) ended decades of hushed speculation Tuesday by announcing to the world that he is, in fact, a Democrat. He confirmed that he will run for reelection in 2010 as a member of the Democratic Party.

Commenting on Specter's decision, Senator Evan Bayh (D, as far as we know - IN) responded, “Of course Specter’s a Demo. That’s gotta be the worst kept secret in Washington, next to the name of that escort place the New Jersey delegation uses.”

Specter was reflective about his time in office, pretending to be a Republican but knowing in his heart what he really was. “Look. I switched to the GOP in the Sixties because it was the politically expedient thing to do. Now I feel it’s time to let the world know who the REAL Arlen Specter is.”

When questioned about how a likely loss in the next GOP primary affected this latest official ideological realignment, Specter responded with a rambling narrative of a golf game he recently played with Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D, solidly).

The press conference abruptly ended when a reporter asked why Specter changed his mind since as recently as March 17th, Specter had vowed to not switch parties .

Specter leaves behind Senator Olympia Snowe (R, kind of - ME) as the primary closeted Democrat in the U.S. Senate.

To Whom it May Concern

The following behaviors / items must be eradicated:


Leaving shopping carts in the parking lot - Proof positive that we are the laziest people in the world. Seriously. Can you not walk 20 feet? Today's free tip: If it's that hard for you, then ALWAYS park next to a cart return!




Packing peanuts - Working on a short story, spending time with my kids, cleaning my garage. What do these seemingly disparate activities have in common? They're all things I'd rather do than spend an hour picking individual packing peanuts out of my lawn. Please, folks. You can't just dump a box full of loose foam chunks into your garbage dumpster.

• Poorly performing lanscaping companies - Before you give a job to the lowest bidder, remember that there's a reason they're the lowest bidder.

• Whole iceberg lettuce on hambugers - This insanity must stop. Nothing ruins a good burger faster than biting into tasteless, watery chunks of white iceberg lettuce. Plus, the slabs require to you to open your mouth an extra 1-2" which isn't always physically possible. Please, burger proprietors, if you can't use shredded lettuce, provide an alternative like green leaf or even
  arugala .
  
  

The Pre-Summer Movie Season or The End of Civilization

I must admit that I was worried. A couple of weeks ago, when I heard that Fast and Furious (the working titles, Vin Diesel Has a Balloon Mortgage Payment Due in May and Paul Walker Can’t Seem to Get a Different Gig didn’t test well at pre-screens) made over $70 Millllllllllllllllllllion on it’s opening weekend, I thought that this was it.

I figured, “OK. Western civilization had it’s shot. The terrorists have won. Now we’ll start the descent into post-apocalyptic anarchy until life turns into The Road ”. At best, I assumed that F&F was part of the plot of those Hulu aliens to take over the world (the effect of ‘splosions and Vin Diesel dialogue for 90 minutes has GOT to be the equivalent of a lobotomy).

But I soon realized there might be some hope. Please don’t ask me to explain how because I have no idea, but I was aware that Crank: High Voltage was on it’s way. I knew if C:HV approached anywhere near what F&F did, THAT would be the penultimate sign of impending apocalypse.

The premise of the ‘film’ (a hitman needs regular zaps of electricity to keep his artificial heart pumping while he seeks sweet, sweet vengeance), is so inane that I almost slipped into a coma while typing it. Apparently, the studio didn’t prescreen it for film critics, either (always a bad sign).

I’m happy to report that C:HV ‘only’ made $6,963,565 it’s opening weekend. While this is approximately $6,963,564 too much, it does give some credence to the idea that people won’t pay money to see absolutely ANYTHING. You can now rest easy knowing that the end isn't here just yet (but I'm sure there's some idiotic Michael Bay movie coming this summer).

Quote... of... the... Week.

It comes to you from Leslie Knope of the Pawnee, IN Parks and Recreation Department:

"Filibuster! BOOM!!"

I thought this week's Parks and Recreation built on last week's, so that's a good sign. They've already had some 'talking-head' clips that rival The Office and I thought this episode gave more momentum to the story.

I hope they bring in someone to not exactly match, but compliment Leslie's enthusiasm. Like on The Office where Michael is insane, but Dwight is there and his weirdness keeps things in balance. It almost feels like Leslie's going to go supernova if she can't crank it down a notch. I'm interested to see if there's more about her relationship with her mom because she did't seem very supportive until just at the end and even then it was really subtle.

Anyway, if you didn't watch last night and you want to see someone totally OWN Robert's Rules of Order, check it out .

Possibly My Only Post Ever About NBA Basketball

I don’t really follow the NBA anymore. To keep it short, it’s become a horrible product but I still have some affinity for the Utah Jazz. With the Jazz on a downward spiral into the playoffs, I started drawing parallels to other collapses I’ve witnessed.

Whenever I see or hear about Carlos Boozer lately, I have flashbacks of this guy I knew in high school. I say ‘knew’ in the sense that I was aware who the guy was, but I don’t think I ever had a conversation with him.

His name was Brent, I think. Brent H-something? We’ll just go with Brent to avoid any possible ‘legal entanglements’. Anyway, I first began to hear about him in ninth grade. I had finally made the junior high basketball team and he was a player at one of the other four junior highs in town, our main rival, and he was a force to be reckoned with.

He was a freak (in the complimentary, athletically-gifted sense). About 6’ 2-3”, long arms and just built to be an athlete. He was a multi-sport star and the high school coaches couldn’t wait to get their hands on him. For the couple series I had to guard him during that first 9th Grade basketball game against his team, he absolutely destroyed me.

We ended up going to the same high school and the buzz among the high school athletics groupies and parents around town was about what Brent was going to do. See, he already had a reputation as someone who didn’t want to work hard. He was barely getting by in school and was starting to focus more on weed than anything else. Brent didn’t go out for the sophomore basketball team and he either didn’t join or ended up quitting the JV football team.

By the time Brent flamed out, I had been quietly plugging away at basketball for years. I logged endless hours in the gym trying to make the basketball team. I had gone from not being able to make a layup during 7th Grade tryouts (true story!) to making the 9th Grade and sophomore teams and a spot on the varsity team was assured going into my junior year. Opposing teams certainly weren’t game-planning for me, but I had worked my way into a position as a solid contributor.

Despite my modest accomplishments (which I was happy about), the ‘Brent H-something Story’ drove me nuts. I was squeezing every drop of ability out of my body, like so much cola from a ShamWow, for a chance to come off the bench. Brent was (possibly) throwing away college scholarships so he could smoke pot, blow off school and play a gang-banging poseur.

And now we arrive at Carlos Boozer, the cautionary tale. This guy could be great. He could find himself in the discussion of the greatest NBA forwards. On a team with one of, if not the best point guards in the league and a solid supporting cast, he could lead his team to championship glory.

Instead, he’ll probably lead his team to a lightning-fast, first-round playoff exit. He rehabs ‘injuries’ with all the enthusiasm of my kids eating a bowl of raw broccoli. He spends as little time with the team as possible (drop in a tired, played quip about Salt Lake City’s nightlife here). He is The Grand Matador of defense. There must be an invisible force field keeping him out of the key when it’s time to get a rebound. He’s already let everyone know that he’s opting out of the final year of his Jazz contract so he can make more $$$ somewhere else. Doesn’t matter where, as long as the money is green. So much potential untapped because he wants to put forth the absolute minimum amount of effort needed to pick up his check.

I guess Boozer isn’t much different from a lot of people in his approach to his job. He just has a higher-profile career. He’s the ‘Brent H-something Story’ on the grandest scale. It’s a drama we’ve all seen play out (sometimes first hand) in a variety of settings. Even so, after 15+ years, some things still don’t make sense.

The Tao of Top Gun or Making Peace with Second Place

Top Gun taught me many things: Sniffing a lot can ease the tension during an awkward apology. Don’t write checks your body can’t cash. Shots fired below the hard deck will get you in loads of trouble. Penny Benjamin was a woman of loose morals.

But the most important lesson was, “There are no points for second place”, an axiom made familiar to me yet again.

Several weeks ago, I entered a piece into a writing competition for the South Davis Chapter of the League of Utah Writers. The ‘Anecdote’ category seemed like one I could crank something out for before the deadline (the day after I learned of the competition). Trying to squeeze a story into 150 words seemed like a fun challenge so I gave it a shot.

Yesterday, I was informed that my entry came in second place. Even though many refer to second place as “The #1 Loser”, I’m excited about it as this was the first time I've entered a writing contest since elementary school.

I’ve posted my contest entry below for your review and enjoyment:

Jackpot

Flashing, ringing slot machines promise a teenager the greatest protection from discovery on a casino floor. Sneaking a coin cup for my change, I slink
into an aisle between glittering boxes.

I feed some coins to a machine. They clink as it swallows them, jingling down its gullet. Tapping the flashing red button, I am now a gambler.

Wheels spin, their blurred hieroglyphs becoming sharper until they stop in turn.
I’m now ‘in the hole’ like so many desperate drunks and determined old ladies
before me.

I rap the button again. Images whiz by and their final order forces the machine to regurgitate a few of my previous offerings.

The tapping and spinning repeat until my cup is empty but my squat, chrome partner is still hungry.

I walk to the change machine, offering my last dollar. Coins rattle in exchange and five quarters rest in the tray below. Jackpot!

"Indianapolis is for swordspeople"

Despite the majority of us living in the 21st century, not only do we have pirates terrorizing the high seas , but people are swordfighting TO THE DEATH on the streets of Indianapolis, IN.

No word on whether any of the participants have/had six fingers on their right hand or if any involved were Guilderian operatives. The presence of the Dread Pirate Roberts is still unconfirmed.

I think this would make a great tourism campaign:


"The Indianapolis Convention & Visitors Association Welcomes You."

'Parks and Recreation' - Open For Public Comment

So, as I posted on my Facebook , I liked but didn't love Parks and Recreation .

In the interest of full and brutal honesty with you, dear reader, I have to admit that I wasn't really sold on the U.S. The Office after their pilot, either (yes, this shames me now). Fortunately, I watched the pilot and the second episode back to back when they reran them on CNBC. After the 'Diversity Day' experience, I was a believer.

I'm thinking I'm going to need probably some more time with P&R, as well. More than I gave The Office, though because it'll probably need more time to (hopefully) differentiate itself because The Office was so drastically different from anything running on broadcast TV. Leslie Knope seemed a little too much like a female Michael Scott with her boundless optimism but it was funny. Aziz Ansari was hilarious and I'm not sure what to make of Rashida Jones' character.

My favorite line came from Nick Offerman as Leslie's boss, Ron Swanson: "I would much rather be working at Chuck E. Cheese." Who wouldn't?!?!

So, I give Parks and Recreation my full endorsement (until I change my mind).

May the Easter Bunny Not Find You

Hilarious but PG-13'ish.

Late-Breaking, Real News

Last week and out of nowhere, Levi Johnston and his family show up on The Tyra Banks Show to 'set the record straight', as it were, about what's been going on up in Alaska. You remember Levi Johnston, right? The impregnator of Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol?

Levi decided to sit down with the Peabody and Pulitzer award-winning journalist (Oh, whoops, she's really just an underwear model), Tyra Banks for a hard-hitting, no-holds-barred interview where his blistering intellect and media savvy finally had a forum:



Not to be outdone, an actual news organization (I think), CBS News, jumped on this new development and interviewed Levi for The Early Show. Levi bravely told the Early Show audience (estimated at approx. 20 viewers) that, "We're not cashing in on their name, you know. I'm just trying to get my side of the story out there and letting people know who I am."

I couldn't have been happier as I, as well as all of you I'm sure, have been DYING to know about the REAL Levi Johnston. Of course, he's not trying to 'cash in' even though, according to the CBS News article, "perhaps all the publicity he's been getting will lead to a modeling or acting gig, which he'd be open to". Sure would beat working at an oil field !

The most hilarious part of the CBS interview is where he identifies the most common misconception about he and his family. Apparently, the country is ablaze with constant discussion about how the Johnston's are "white trash".

So, the teenaged, unmarried father who also happens to be a high school dropout went on daytime TV to tell everyone “You don’t know me!” Oh, and he was with his mom who's currently dealing with a recent Oxycontin arrest. Yeah, what’s “white trash” about all that?

(The burning smell coming from your computer is your sarcasm card that just melted.)