The Pre-Summer Movie Season or The End of Civilization

I must admit that I was worried. A couple of weeks ago, when I heard that Fast and Furious (the working titles, Vin Diesel Has a Balloon Mortgage Payment Due in May and Paul Walker Can’t Seem to Get a Different Gig didn’t test well at pre-screens) made over $70 Millllllllllllllllllllion on it’s opening weekend, I thought that this was it.

I figured, “OK. Western civilization had it’s shot. The terrorists have won. Now we’ll start the descent into post-apocalyptic anarchy until life turns into The Road ”. At best, I assumed that F&F was part of the plot of those Hulu aliens to take over the world (the effect of ‘splosions and Vin Diesel dialogue for 90 minutes has GOT to be the equivalent of a lobotomy).

But I soon realized there might be some hope. Please don’t ask me to explain how because I have no idea, but I was aware that Crank: High Voltage was on it’s way. I knew if C:HV approached anywhere near what F&F did, THAT would be the penultimate sign of impending apocalypse.

The premise of the ‘film’ (a hitman needs regular zaps of electricity to keep his artificial heart pumping while he seeks sweet, sweet vengeance), is so inane that I almost slipped into a coma while typing it. Apparently, the studio didn’t prescreen it for film critics, either (always a bad sign).

I’m happy to report that C:HV ‘only’ made $6,963,565 it’s opening weekend. While this is approximately $6,963,564 too much, it does give some credence to the idea that people won’t pay money to see absolutely ANYTHING. You can now rest easy knowing that the end isn't here just yet (but I'm sure there's some idiotic Michael Bay movie coming this summer).